I can't even believe I am writing those words in regards to myself. Me. An alcoholic? So weird to see those words in print, even weirder to say them out loud at a meeting.
Why did I feel I was above the clutches of this sin? How completely arrogant I was...I am. I opened a crack in the doorway to my soul. Despite the nudges from the Holy Spirit, against the advice of close friends, ignoring a family history of addiction I gave the devil, evil, self, ego, pride a FOOTHOLD. Once that little piece of ground was conceded it immediately began to sprout weeds and I put away my gardening tools.
So here I am, having never drank ANY alcohol until I was 40+ ... here I am an alcoholic.
I drank, I told myself , for medicinal purposes for Meniere's symptoms. Well, it worked after all. When that first 2 oz of liquor burned down my throat hit my stomach it only took 10 minutes for the vertigo I had for two days to finally stop. I thought I finally discovered a "medicine" that worked. Then the medicine became the disease. 2 oz led to 4 led to.....drinking 100 proof liquor most nights of the week until blacking out. For a long time I selfishly reveled in the escape it gave me.
The reason for my extreme weight gain, I told myself and others, was from the illness, the sedentary life style and hypothyroidism. All of it true. A plausible explanation. I just left out the part that each bottle of liquor I downed in one setting was about 3,000 calories.
Oh the darkness this led to.
It's a tale of two suicide attempts and one accidental overdose I almost didn't survive.
One day I might blog about that pain...about the abyss that brought me to very edge of death.
My sin dumped me into depths I didn't know existed.
Oh, the wreckage! The carnage! The consequence! Broken hearts. Broken relationships. Broken trust.
BUT Praise be to God for the abyss because it was only there that I finally reached out for grace and rescue.
Today, I am 84 days sober. I am broken, humbled, desperate, vulnerable, and lacking any power of my own. Now God has the raw materials to rebuild me and grow me. He couldn't (wouldn't) build my life while I was filled with arrogance, pride and self-importance.
The rebuilding has begun. I've got my gardening tools out and Jesus and I have been pulling weeds. I'm working really hard but only with God's strength. I'm out of the abyss and inching forward.